I’m going to start this post about marriage by talking about a movie; specifically, Fireproof. Here’s a plot summary: Caleb is an unhappily married man to a woman named Catherine. He is a fireman, and an addict to pornography. Catherine knows about his addiction and is not happy about it. Between this and the fact that her husband will not support her in taking care of her ailing mother, she is very snappy with him and is always arguing with him, and eventually files for a divorce. Caleb is all for the divorce until, while out on a rescue mission for his job, realizes just how poor of a husband he has been, and desperately wants to save his marriage. With a lot of effort, he quits the pornography and turns himself to God in repentance, and gets guidance though his father and “The Love Dare” - a Christian self-help book for falling back in love and/or saving a marriage. Eventually Catherine sees the light too, realizes that her husband has been genuine in his efforts to save their marriage, and they come together in unity. In the end, they make new wedding vows and dedicate themselves to each other once again.
This movie is the very epitome of a quote by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in his talk titled “Divorce” in the 2007 April General Conference:
This movie is the very epitome of a quote by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in his talk titled “Divorce” in the 2007 April General Conference:
I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache."
Too often in today’s world, divorce is used as an unnecessary escape hatch, a means to get away and around the problem that is believed to be unsolvable. Of course, sometimes divorce is necessary - such as in cases of abuse - but I fully believe that most other marital issues are solve-able, if only the advice of Elder Oaks is followed. Fix yourself, not your spouse.
In reference to the last part of Elder Oaks quote - that divorce often creates long-term heartache - I want to stress that this is true. Both my husband and father have divorced biological parents, and for separate reasons, are now almost completely estranged from their biological mothers. They don’t talk. Both my husband and father see their step-mothers as their actual mothers, but only my father also express a desire to have a closeness with his biological mother again, despite all the trouble. The effects are lasting.
Divorce is straining on the couple, but it is even more straining on the kids if there were any in the relationship. Multiple studies show irrefutable evidence that kids are much better off in every way imaginable (cognitively, emotionally, socially, etc.) when they are raised by their biological, married parents. Cohabitation and divorce just doesn’t cut it for children. This evidence is even talked about in the movie Courageous, created by the same people who did Fireproof.
Courageous is a movie centered around police officers that eventually dedicate themselves to a creed, which they created, in order to be better fathers. One of the characters said it all when he stated,
In reference to the last part of Elder Oaks quote - that divorce often creates long-term heartache - I want to stress that this is true. Both my husband and father have divorced biological parents, and for separate reasons, are now almost completely estranged from their biological mothers. They don’t talk. Both my husband and father see their step-mothers as their actual mothers, but only my father also express a desire to have a closeness with his biological mother again, despite all the trouble. The effects are lasting.
Divorce is straining on the couple, but it is even more straining on the kids if there were any in the relationship. Multiple studies show irrefutable evidence that kids are much better off in every way imaginable (cognitively, emotionally, socially, etc.) when they are raised by their biological, married parents. Cohabitation and divorce just doesn’t cut it for children. This evidence is even talked about in the movie Courageous, created by the same people who did Fireproof.
Courageous is a movie centered around police officers that eventually dedicate themselves to a creed, which they created, in order to be better fathers. One of the characters said it all when he stated,
You know, if fathers just did what they’re supposed to do half the junk we face on the streets wouldn’t exist.”
Even economically, if parents, as a married couple, would do their best to love and care for one another and their kids, society as a whole would be better off.
I would urge all those considering divorce to take it off the table. Chain it up and eliminate it as a possibility - my husband and I did this the very night we agreed to get married, long before rings were exchanged. Times are going to get tough for everyone in any relationship, especially married relationships. There will be arguments, financial troubles, troubling emergencies, miscommunications and maybe even doubts of true love. All of these have solutions, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying. Fix yourself. Repent. Be the first one to say sorry, to figure out the miscommunication. Divorce is not the answer, and it never will be.
I would urge all those considering divorce to take it off the table. Chain it up and eliminate it as a possibility - my husband and I did this the very night we agreed to get married, long before rings were exchanged. Times are going to get tough for everyone in any relationship, especially married relationships. There will be arguments, financial troubles, troubling emergencies, miscommunications and maybe even doubts of true love. All of these have solutions, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep trying. Fix yourself. Repent. Be the first one to say sorry, to figure out the miscommunication. Divorce is not the answer, and it never will be.