Gottman made in clear in the chapter that we read this week that we need to recognize our spouses dreams and to come to some sort of understanding and agreement on how to fulfill them. Obviously, this can apply to everyone in some form or another.
Personally, once I was engaged, I knew that there were some dreams that I was going to have to give up entirely. Before I had planned to graduate from BYU-I with a Bachelors in Child Development, and I had always dreamed that once my husband and I were out of the apartment-hopping-phase that we would just pick one house and stay there; I was tired of moving. Then I agreed to marry my wonderful husband, who serves in the Navy. The Child Development degree requires attendance on campus, so I had to become an online student and change my major to University Studies (or spend years completely apart from my husband in the infancy of our marriage, and that was not an option at all for either of us). I gave up that dream willingly. Though harder to accept that I will have to move around often for as long as my husband is in the Navy, I know that I will be happy wherever he is, so I will move with a happy heart.
There are other dreams and goals that I am working towards, and others that my husband is already helping to fulfill. It has always been my dream to be a stay-at-home mom; because I have heard my own mother express regret of having been forced back into the work force due to circumstance. My husband is in a steady job, and it pays enough that I can stay home, for which I am grateful, and he supports me in this, for which I am extra grateful. I also want to be an author, and I have a drawing/painting project that I want to work on for our home - something to keep with us always. Though he isn’t quite as supportive of these (he won’t read the story I’m working on), it just means that it is something that we can talk about and try to come to an understanding about.
One of my husband’s dreams, of which I am aware, is that he will retire from the Navy and then move to Texas to live close to some of his family. His job is hard so I support him in that dream by helping encourage him to keep going when the times are rough. Though moving to Texas is far in the future, this is something that we talk about occasionally to see maybe how it will work out.
The point is that every couple needs to do their own soul-searching, especially if dreams are conflicting. You need to talk about your feelings without downplaying or criticizing those of your spouse. Only talk about your feelings. This will help you to have a better understanding of one another, and therefore help you to grow in love and you try to reach a compromise as to help one another’s dreams come true. Sometimes they must be given up, but most of the time they can be done even if not immediately. Just work through it in love.
That is the end of my official post, though I do have an extra quote to add on as food for thought. Here it is:
Personally, once I was engaged, I knew that there were some dreams that I was going to have to give up entirely. Before I had planned to graduate from BYU-I with a Bachelors in Child Development, and I had always dreamed that once my husband and I were out of the apartment-hopping-phase that we would just pick one house and stay there; I was tired of moving. Then I agreed to marry my wonderful husband, who serves in the Navy. The Child Development degree requires attendance on campus, so I had to become an online student and change my major to University Studies (or spend years completely apart from my husband in the infancy of our marriage, and that was not an option at all for either of us). I gave up that dream willingly. Though harder to accept that I will have to move around often for as long as my husband is in the Navy, I know that I will be happy wherever he is, so I will move with a happy heart.
There are other dreams and goals that I am working towards, and others that my husband is already helping to fulfill. It has always been my dream to be a stay-at-home mom; because I have heard my own mother express regret of having been forced back into the work force due to circumstance. My husband is in a steady job, and it pays enough that I can stay home, for which I am grateful, and he supports me in this, for which I am extra grateful. I also want to be an author, and I have a drawing/painting project that I want to work on for our home - something to keep with us always. Though he isn’t quite as supportive of these (he won’t read the story I’m working on), it just means that it is something that we can talk about and try to come to an understanding about.
One of my husband’s dreams, of which I am aware, is that he will retire from the Navy and then move to Texas to live close to some of his family. His job is hard so I support him in that dream by helping encourage him to keep going when the times are rough. Though moving to Texas is far in the future, this is something that we talk about occasionally to see maybe how it will work out.
The point is that every couple needs to do their own soul-searching, especially if dreams are conflicting. You need to talk about your feelings without downplaying or criticizing those of your spouse. Only talk about your feelings. This will help you to have a better understanding of one another, and therefore help you to grow in love and you try to reach a compromise as to help one another’s dreams come true. Sometimes they must be given up, but most of the time they can be done even if not immediately. Just work through it in love.
That is the end of my official post, though I do have an extra quote to add on as food for thought. Here it is:
When I come to my evening prayers and try to recon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected: I was caught off guard…. [Yet] surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.”
- C.S. Lewis