This week while talking about anger what struck me the most was this paragraph by Gottman in chapter 8 of his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
To a certain degree, [it] comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, ‘Here. You forgot your umbrella.’ We would never think of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?’ We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go well. When a guest spills wine, we say, ‘No problem. Would you like another glass?’ not, ‘You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right, can I? I will never invite you to my home again.’”
Gottman goes on to say that we tend to lose our temper with friends and family, but when it comes to our boss, usually we can bite our tongue. Why not give this same respect to our spouse? We always say that out spouse is our best friend and that we love them dearly, so we should treat them as such.
Another point that was made this week was that being angry is our choice - there is no he/she made me or I couldn’t control myself, because we can always control ourselves. We choose to become angry over something that is done or said in a conversation - and we have the choice to react angrily or to calm down and then approach the situation rationally. If you are becoming angry in the middle of a conversation, or feeling defensive, it’s okay to walk away for a while and then come back to the situation later.
I remember a time when I had spent a good amount of time spray-painting our dresser - something we both wanted done - and I was excited for my husband to see it when he got home, especially because I was proud of my work. However, when he got home he was upset with the work I had done, so naturally I was hurt. It also reminded me of other times I was excited to show him things but his lack of reaction or enthusiasm had hurt me then too, but I hadn’t expressed it. Instead of immediately lashing out at him, I walked away, did dishes, and then went to go get a few groceries. My husband could tell that I was upset and was trying to get me to talk about it, but I insisted that I need the time to cool down and approach the topic in a way that wouldn’t involve me attacking him verbally. By the time I cooled down and was ready to talk, I was able to approach the situation crying, and only expressed that what he had done had hurt my feelings. We were both able to talk about what had happened only saying what we had been feeling and thinking, so our understanding of one another helped us to truly say sorry and promise to make changes for the better.
Cooling down and thinking over a situation before talking it over can greatly help reduce stress, and help ensure that you can come to some sort of understanding or compromise. It will make a marriage happier, and you will become closer and feel more love towards one another.
Another point that was made this week was that being angry is our choice - there is no he/she made me or I couldn’t control myself, because we can always control ourselves. We choose to become angry over something that is done or said in a conversation - and we have the choice to react angrily or to calm down and then approach the situation rationally. If you are becoming angry in the middle of a conversation, or feeling defensive, it’s okay to walk away for a while and then come back to the situation later.
I remember a time when I had spent a good amount of time spray-painting our dresser - something we both wanted done - and I was excited for my husband to see it when he got home, especially because I was proud of my work. However, when he got home he was upset with the work I had done, so naturally I was hurt. It also reminded me of other times I was excited to show him things but his lack of reaction or enthusiasm had hurt me then too, but I hadn’t expressed it. Instead of immediately lashing out at him, I walked away, did dishes, and then went to go get a few groceries. My husband could tell that I was upset and was trying to get me to talk about it, but I insisted that I need the time to cool down and approach the topic in a way that wouldn’t involve me attacking him verbally. By the time I cooled down and was ready to talk, I was able to approach the situation crying, and only expressed that what he had done had hurt my feelings. We were both able to talk about what had happened only saying what we had been feeling and thinking, so our understanding of one another helped us to truly say sorry and promise to make changes for the better.
Cooling down and thinking over a situation before talking it over can greatly help reduce stress, and help ensure that you can come to some sort of understanding or compromise. It will make a marriage happier, and you will become closer and feel more love towards one another.