As you may recall, in my post a few weeks ago I included a brief summary to the plot of the movie Fireproof and tied it into the lesson for that week. To my great surprise and excitement, after learning about John M. Gottman’s, PH.D., Four Horsemen in communication, we were instructed to watch specific clips from the movie to help us better recognize and understand what we were learning. So again, I will say that Fireproof is a great movie, and if you get the chance you should watch it (and probably even own, like I do).
Gottman has dedicated his whole life to studying marriages and what makes them fail or succeed. He stated early on in his book that traditional marriage counseling, which teaches about active listening and learning how to communicate better, doesn’t work for most couples. You can have excellent communication and still not like each other. The key, really, is to be friends first, and to communicate smartly.
Have you ever noticed that when someone says something nice about you it’s easy to brush off, but when they say something negative it’s like a red-hot knife to the heart? Well, it works that way in marriage too, so naturally, when something mean is said it can take a lot in order to make up for it. Gottman suggests that in healthy, happy marriages that the ratio of good to bad things said is 5:1 – astonishing, right? Of course, though we have grown up on the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” that doesn’t really work either - stonewalling will get you nowhere in a conversation, and could even make it worse.
So, what are these four horsemen, and how to they affect communication?
They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these things is like a stab in the heart to your spouse. It’s easy to get defensive over criticism and contempt, and when the attacks keep coming, stonewalling (“cold-shoulder”) can take place as a way to “escape” from the emotional heartache. It can be an endless cycle that when it happens too often can lead to divorce. The trick is to be friends first.
Friends wouldn’t endlessly point out one another’s flaws, would they? No. If they had a problem, they’d talk it over as calmly as possible, explaining their own point of view without blaming or attacking the other. This is how it should happen in a marriage too. Of course, if you are the one being blamed and attacked, it would be just as easy to defend yourself, attack back, and even retreat to your dark corner to escape it all – this also should not be done. If you are being attacked, stay calm. Explain your point of view, your feelings, without attacking or blaming your spouse. If they keep attacking no matter what you say, you could suggest to talk about the issue later - sweeping it under the rug will never accomplish anything other than letting it fester and rot to poisonous levels.
So when the next disagreement or argument happens, relax. All marriages have them. The trick is to nurture love and affection during and outside of these situations, so that when the hard times do come up, they are easier to get through. Being friends matters, and it leads to a long and happy marriage.
Gottman has dedicated his whole life to studying marriages and what makes them fail or succeed. He stated early on in his book that traditional marriage counseling, which teaches about active listening and learning how to communicate better, doesn’t work for most couples. You can have excellent communication and still not like each other. The key, really, is to be friends first, and to communicate smartly.
Have you ever noticed that when someone says something nice about you it’s easy to brush off, but when they say something negative it’s like a red-hot knife to the heart? Well, it works that way in marriage too, so naturally, when something mean is said it can take a lot in order to make up for it. Gottman suggests that in healthy, happy marriages that the ratio of good to bad things said is 5:1 – astonishing, right? Of course, though we have grown up on the phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” that doesn’t really work either - stonewalling will get you nowhere in a conversation, and could even make it worse.
So, what are these four horsemen, and how to they affect communication?
They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these things is like a stab in the heart to your spouse. It’s easy to get defensive over criticism and contempt, and when the attacks keep coming, stonewalling (“cold-shoulder”) can take place as a way to “escape” from the emotional heartache. It can be an endless cycle that when it happens too often can lead to divorce. The trick is to be friends first.
Friends wouldn’t endlessly point out one another’s flaws, would they? No. If they had a problem, they’d talk it over as calmly as possible, explaining their own point of view without blaming or attacking the other. This is how it should happen in a marriage too. Of course, if you are the one being blamed and attacked, it would be just as easy to defend yourself, attack back, and even retreat to your dark corner to escape it all – this also should not be done. If you are being attacked, stay calm. Explain your point of view, your feelings, without attacking or blaming your spouse. If they keep attacking no matter what you say, you could suggest to talk about the issue later - sweeping it under the rug will never accomplish anything other than letting it fester and rot to poisonous levels.
So when the next disagreement or argument happens, relax. All marriages have them. The trick is to nurture love and affection during and outside of these situations, so that when the hard times do come up, they are easier to get through. Being friends matters, and it leads to a long and happy marriage.