When it comes to marriage, usually there is plenty of talk about “the three D’s” (divorce, disability, and death) that pretty much destroy a civil marriage, but I think that there is not enough talk about other things that are prevalent in marriage – things that affect everyone, and when not handled properly, could lead to divorce. These things were talked about by Elder Hafen in the October 1996 Ensign in his talk titled “Covenant Marriage” when he mentions the “three wolves” of marriage - natural adversity, imperfections of one another, and excessive individualism.
Natural adversity is bound to happen in any marriage, and sometimes, may seem to happen all at once. The loss of a home or job, a family member, friend, or child, or even the battle of live verses death with any sickness and many other things can cause high tension in a marriage. The stress and grief can build up and sometimes this gets taken out on your spouse, even if it was not intentional, and even if you know that they are experiencing something very similar to or exactly the same thing as you are. Sometimes a counselor may be necessary, but couples need to learn how to cope with these things with each other. They need to share their entire hearts with one another, and find a way through the trouble together. Marriage does not work when you are hiding from and attacking one another. When applicable, this process should also bring the individual, and the couple, closer to God.
The imperfections of your spouse seem to be particularly apparent shortly after the honeymoon phase wears off and the settling into some sort of routine begins – it is inevitable to find and notice quirks and imperfections about one another, and they are bound to either be cute or downright annoying and aggravating. Perhaps the most important thing to remember about this is that no one is perfect and hopefully you did not marry for perfection, but because you saw potential (quoted from Robert D. Hales in his talk "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World" in the October 2015 General Conference). Quirks are quirks and hopefully you can find a way to work around or deal with them. Imperfections, like impatience, can be changed, but it is important to remember that this will not happen overnight, and that there are things that you can improve upon too. Do not bug your spouse about it all the time; sometimes it is best not to mention their imperfection at all and just let them figure it out for themselves (hopefully, eventually). And most importantly, do not belittle them for any perfection you may take notice too. This will destroy self-esteem, and likely the marriage too.
Since individualism is something that is so highly valued in this nation, it is not too far-fetched to think that this could be carried on to the extreme within a marriage and family setting. Marriage is supposed to be about the combining of hearts, minds, and goals. Yes, you are still your own person with your own body, own thoughts and feelings, and your own talents; but hopefully much of this centers around your spouse and family. You cannot just pack up and hike yourself across the country just because you want too - there is a spouse, and maybe kids, that are relying on you. It is important to think about the unit before thinking about the self, because if you are just going to continue on being purely an individual, then what was the point in getting married in the first place?
If these wolves were taken more seriously, talked about more often - and they should be, as these things heavily affect all marriages - then I think that people would take marriage more seriously, and that marriage would have a higher success rate. Just like life, no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy. Marriage is not the fairy-tale ending, though it has been hyped-up to be. Marriage is going to be one of the hardest challenges you ever undertake, and it gets harder with children, but in both cases they are also the most rewarding thing that you will ever do, so it is worth it to educate yourself on the matter, take it to heart, be prepared, and work hard. Because love is worth the fight against the wolves.
Natural adversity is bound to happen in any marriage, and sometimes, may seem to happen all at once. The loss of a home or job, a family member, friend, or child, or even the battle of live verses death with any sickness and many other things can cause high tension in a marriage. The stress and grief can build up and sometimes this gets taken out on your spouse, even if it was not intentional, and even if you know that they are experiencing something very similar to or exactly the same thing as you are. Sometimes a counselor may be necessary, but couples need to learn how to cope with these things with each other. They need to share their entire hearts with one another, and find a way through the trouble together. Marriage does not work when you are hiding from and attacking one another. When applicable, this process should also bring the individual, and the couple, closer to God.
The imperfections of your spouse seem to be particularly apparent shortly after the honeymoon phase wears off and the settling into some sort of routine begins – it is inevitable to find and notice quirks and imperfections about one another, and they are bound to either be cute or downright annoying and aggravating. Perhaps the most important thing to remember about this is that no one is perfect and hopefully you did not marry for perfection, but because you saw potential (quoted from Robert D. Hales in his talk "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World" in the October 2015 General Conference). Quirks are quirks and hopefully you can find a way to work around or deal with them. Imperfections, like impatience, can be changed, but it is important to remember that this will not happen overnight, and that there are things that you can improve upon too. Do not bug your spouse about it all the time; sometimes it is best not to mention their imperfection at all and just let them figure it out for themselves (hopefully, eventually). And most importantly, do not belittle them for any perfection you may take notice too. This will destroy self-esteem, and likely the marriage too.
Since individualism is something that is so highly valued in this nation, it is not too far-fetched to think that this could be carried on to the extreme within a marriage and family setting. Marriage is supposed to be about the combining of hearts, minds, and goals. Yes, you are still your own person with your own body, own thoughts and feelings, and your own talents; but hopefully much of this centers around your spouse and family. You cannot just pack up and hike yourself across the country just because you want too - there is a spouse, and maybe kids, that are relying on you. It is important to think about the unit before thinking about the self, because if you are just going to continue on being purely an individual, then what was the point in getting married in the first place?
If these wolves were taken more seriously, talked about more often - and they should be, as these things heavily affect all marriages - then I think that people would take marriage more seriously, and that marriage would have a higher success rate. Just like life, no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy. Marriage is not the fairy-tale ending, though it has been hyped-up to be. Marriage is going to be one of the hardest challenges you ever undertake, and it gets harder with children, but in both cases they are also the most rewarding thing that you will ever do, so it is worth it to educate yourself on the matter, take it to heart, be prepared, and work hard. Because love is worth the fight against the wolves.